Leaving

Now that I'm home I wish I weren't.
The plane was awful. Waiting for the plane was even worse. Last night, I overheard my mom and dad talking, saying that she's not going to get better. I kept thinking "What if that was the last time I ever see my Grandma? Why am I sitting in this hard plastic chair? Why am I here, instead of there with her? What if I never see her again?"
Everytime I thought that, my eyes would swell with tears and now that I'm home, alone in my room, I feel empty. and I can't cry.
I want to. I want to brake down, now that I can. But it's not comming.
On the plane I felt like chaos.
A swirling, screaming, crying, frantic mess.
But when I spoke, the calmness in my voice scared me. It wasnt real, it couldn't be. The voice was bright and mature and smooth, how I'd like it to be naturally.
My body was trying to be strong, just by instint or habit. But the only thing I wanted to do was show every emotion I had bottled up inside. Never have I wanted to cry, yell, laugh, smile, jump or show anything so honestly as I did then.
I wanted to scream at the world, and glare into its eyes and make it cry.
I wanted to be with everyone in the world, and alone at the same time.
It was a battle for my saniety.
If I didn't let it out soon, I'd lose.
But I couldn't, and I didn't.
So I fell.