the grain that broke the camels back

so i've found out a lot of things today.
that another one of my friends smokes.
that when i try to help someone, they think i'm a bitch.
that i'm a bitch.
that it doesnt matter.
that i hate my friends.
that i am alone.
that i wish too much.

but i still cant figure out
if
i love to hard
or
not enough?

have you ever heard the words
"How long has it been since you stepped on a scale?"
then followed by
"Maybe you should go back on your diet, replace a meal a day with a glass of milk and cut..."

now imagine this being said by your father.
as he was leaving for the gym.
when you were walking up to your front door, from a volleyball tournament,
in spandex shorts.

now imagine your fifteen year old neighbor and 3 of his friends next door playing basketball in the driveway.
all within earshot.

hard to imagine?
not for me.

perfect end to a perfect week, right?

tourney this morning.
went ok.
yea we lost.
played well.

i am P R O C R A S T I N A T I N G.
still have to
study spanish
country project
and
that newspaper article.

i'd rather watch old What I Like About You reruns.

so bored.

who's listening

why do we cut down trees to make wooden poles so that baby trees can stand up straight?

its raining.
i'm still the way i always am,
and i'm looking for a change.
but the rain is comforting
just the way it always is.
last night was bad.

"Honesty or mystery?
Tell me I'm not scared anymore.
I got no secret purpose, I don't seem obvious do I?
I don't seem obvious do I?"
--Authority Song

pray for rain

i've had the worst day.
and the sad part is, it should have been really good.
long advisory was really great, i had a lot of fun.
then i had yoga, and free. easy afternoon.
and then i came home.
dont get me started.
exhausting studying was the least of my problems today.
then i went to vb practice.
dont tell sara (or jason for that matter) but i love volleyball practices.
even when we have to run. even my mom's noticed that i come back from every practice so much happier than when i left.

i wish it would rain again.

i'm really busy.
i want to sleep.
but i cant. even when i lay down, my head buzzes with things i cant even talk about.
i guess i just wish i could explain,
but not everything has an explanation.

"maybe, but to be honest, i think your more in love with your own tradgedy than reality

its Laura (my little sister)'s 12'th birthday today.
my my, she's old.
i keep thinking she's 8 and cries when i wont play Barbie with her.
growing up is against the rules.
she isnt allowed to, i wont let her.

it was one of those days.
the air was really crisp in the way only air can be.
and a million things happened in the time it took you to figure out that what you had counted on, wasnt going to happen,
and thats its not ok to cry sometimes.
thats when you said
'maybe,
but to be honest,
i think your more in love with
your own tradgedy than
reality'

Happy Birthdya Nata!!!!!!!!

nata's party was REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY FUN!
totally A M A Z I N G.
we watched Empire Records, wich is now my favorite movie on the planet! who can resits Lucas's dancing, and Warren shooting up the store because he wants to work there, not to mention Deb (creepy girl who looks better with her head shaved) and Corrie, the closet coke addict (wow, the power of Alliteration ;-))...
then we had cake. not just ordinary cake, but really melt in your mouth delicious cake, with ice cream.
there was a henna person, i got "Amazing" written on the top of my hand, a tiny butterfly near my eye, and an "I LOVE _____" but with the name filled in on my stomach.
the fortune teller read my tarrot cards, and she says i'm very independent, wich is becoming a problem in my life because my father is very controlling. yea, wow, freaky. i pulled 2 out of the 3 that were the "emperor" and the "ace of swords". that supposedly means, that i am powerful like an emporer and that i have to "find who i truely am, or no one else will be able to" she also said i need to run for a class office or club or something, so to my over-achieving friends who are the nicest politicians i know, watch out, you might have some competitition! hahaha....
it was fun... even if its totall bunk.
THEN
we went swimming in this gorgeous pool! i truely felt like a movie star.
the jacuzzi was big enough for the entire party to fit in, so we'd sit around and talk about (what else?!) boys, clothes... blah blah blah....
every so often we all get out of the jacuzzi run over to the big pool (which was F R E E Z I N G) and all of us jump in at the same time, there would be a moment of silence when everyone was underwater, but then we'd all come up and start screaming hysterically about how our boobs were gonna freeze and fall off.
and then we'd do it again.

everyone had a great time, we all love you nata!!!!!!!!!!

<3 BE NICE, OR I'LL HAVE MY ARMY OF MOONING GNOMES ATTACK YOU!

wow, crap day.
skool was actually ok. did really well on my Tess inclass essay for english.
day was a lot longer than it should have been.
bus left at 3, but 15 mins later we had to turn around cause someone got left. so we got home late.
then during the only garunteed hour i have alone in the house, the alarm systems goes off when i walk in, and my mom seems to have changed the code, so i spend that hour with a loud siren all thro the house and multiple police officers showing up. o ya, then the fun part is when laura, kim, mary, and assorted friends of theirs come home and yell at me for not being able to turn it off, since i'm not pysic.

tomorrow i take the SATs for some stupid summer thing. blah
then i go shopping for nata's birthday present, and then i go to nata's party.
it should be fun, i'm excited.

sunday i am going to relax if it kills me.

i'm feeling really crap today.
dont really want to talk, i just feel crappy.
even the TV, my very best friend, is bugging me.

call me and cheer me up.

<3
to some <3 means love, but for me it looks like a gnome mooning you (see the pointy hat, and really round ass?!), so it really means

BE NICE, OR I'LL HAVE MY ARMY OF MOONING GNOMES ATTACK YOU!

whisper your secret

so,
nothing new.
i didnt get up the courage to talk to that boy.
loser me.
my stomaches been making weird noises all day.
its either really hungry or really full. i can't decide. either way, i feel like i'm gonna puke.
i fell asleep today on the bus home.
i had a dream.

then i fell off the seat.
apparently i still didnt wake up.
thats how tired i am.

volleyball practice tonight. i hope we mostly scrimage.

i've finished all my homework, except spanish and math, but i dont have those till monday.

this month has been D I S S A P O I N T I N G.

"Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all"
--DC "carve your heart out yourself"

ironic superstitions

my horoscope in the LA Times today says:

"You are able to convey your thoughts clearly to those you love. Even if the words aren't right, the emotion says it all."

the irony in that is amazing,

since i've been thinking about just one person all day.

too bad i havent talked to him today.

cross your fingers, and knock on wood.

IMG_2076
Originally uploaded by sprinklefairy831.

IMG_1999
Originally uploaded by sprinklefairy831.

you are my sunshine.

IMG_2060
Originally uploaded by sprinklefairy831.

IMG_1960
Originally uploaded by sprinklefairy831.

the amazing sunset

IMG_1933
Originally uploaded by sprinklefairy831.

hello from san diego

so i went to San Diego on a road trip.
it was fun.
i bought a really cool green tafetta skirt at a flea market for $6. weird, i know.

the sunset was amazing.

i ate an entire pint of Ben&Jerrys. and nearly spilled a pitcher of soda on this 17 year old at Olyo's. i laughed, he laughed, then he found out i was 14 and left. darn ;-).

then we had a volleyball tournament down in Irvine. started at 2, and we didnt finish till 8.
we were awesome at the tournament!
we really worked that spandex! ;-)
GREAT JOB, MS LIBER-O!
and it felt so good to slam a ball down,
if only ROXY wasnt such a dizty porn star, and would remember what posistion she plays!
but her twin brother is hot, so its all good.
people at brentwood say he must have strangled her in the womb because he got all the good genes, he's hot, smart, and athlectic... blah blah blah.
at least we have Sam the Amazing Setter to make up for it.

then there was some drama, but its all good now.

and then sara took me home, and i watched some gilmore girls, and

now i have to go OD on text books.

i'm in love with and hate the entire world at the same time.

it makes me very confused

thinking about this makes my head hurt. espescially since we as humans,
as teenagers,
have no sense of proportion.
i should go waste my time mindless reading
Thomas Hardy.

whats your reason to smile?

my reason is that

SCHOOL is CANCELED.

the rain is beautiful.

stand outside, close your eyes.
the sound is

A M A Z I N G.

'ello lads and lassies!

i got to cut skool today. yes, i kno, lucky me.
it was raining too hard... the 405 was closed, PCH mudslide, and the 10 really flooded. all 3 ways to get to my school, so it was pointless. they canceled my sisters school yesterday, because Mulholland Drive was completly blocked off.
so i'm just hanging out. its really foggy.
i think i'll sleep most of the day. my faveorite way to spend a Monday.
missing my spanish quiz and math review. darn.
anyway... i'll probably be at school tomorrow. but if the rain doesnt stop, i might be too busy building an ark.

ciao
and
stay dry.

Hell On Wheels with a Chicken on top

today has gone by R E A L L Y slowly. first we started with english, wich was kinda weird because i changed which period i go to english. now i'm in a class with all new people, with a variety of wich do not like me.
then i went to Art (the reason i had to screw me whole schedule) with most of the people who dont like me from my english class. lets just say, that by break time, i was ready to put my head into big bowl of piranhas.
no, actually, it was ok. i survived.
then at break i went into "college counseling" office to pick up stuff for the SATs that i have to take for a summer thing. probably the most imtimidating thing i've done in a while, was walking up to the lady there with spazzed out juniors and seniors, who look like they havent slept in a while, staring at me. then i had to wait like 10 minutes because the lady was on the phone. tick tock,tick tock, went the clock. glare, glare, sip frappocino went the seniors.
i survived that too.
then science, wich was ok, i like the teacher as a person, but as a teacher i despise her. but outside of class she's cool. she's the one who sings christmas carols in may with me. then PE. we had YOGA with the nazi yoga teacher from hell.

LUNCH TIME, if i do say so myself, was very cool. yummy sandwich, and uhhumm, GILLMORE GIRLS CLUB!!!!

then class meeting witch was boring. and now free. wich is boring as well, because its with the people mentioned at the begining of the post.

hmmmm.... the only phrase adequate enough to describe time with said people is
(drumrolll, sara)
Hell On Wheels with a Chicken on top.

In the year 2005 I resolve to: Wear more lacy black lingerie. Get your resolution here

This will be the year of dissapointments.
This is the year my parents will realize I'm not as brilliant as they believe.
The year I'll fail at new responsibilities, new goals.
The year I finally come to my senses about That Boy, and the year I stop holding onto what could have been.
I was drowning with my goals, my life, as it was, but now its a new year. A time for moving forward, not falling.
I dont want to dissapoint anyone.
not my parents.
not Sara.
not Laura or Kim.
and espescially myself.
I want to live in a fairytale.
I dont want to live in a world where people laugh when a person cries. or where friends dont tell the whole truth,
not a world where people can screw themselves over and throw away there lives.
or where 14 year old volleyball players love pot, and will celebrate their 2nd week clean with pizza and beer.

How can people hate so much?
It must start inside, and spread.
How can I fault myself so much?
Who am I to judge?
What standards am I up against?

Do I feel this way because I love too hard? or am i just
incapable of true love?
why is it so easy to feel alone,
and why does it hurt so much?

Am I, are we, condemned to eternal longing for perfection?
But its not really perfection, its more like everyone's trying to be the best,
to win,
but there can only be one winner,

and its no one you know.

2004, go figure.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
truely didn’t give a shit
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i kept only one, and yes i’ll make more, goals are good.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no, but my cousin Jaquelyn is pregnate
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. this was the year of bad deaths. My uncle Roby, my friend Julie (Nanny We) in Tennessee, and worst of all, my grandma Terry.
5. What countries did you visit?
just the fucked up US of A.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
time. and true friends.
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Halloween was my grandma’s funeral.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
not succumbing to the world.
9. What was your biggest failure?
my relationship with my dad.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
nothing serious
11. What was the best thing you bought?
digital camera.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
ummm... probably Laura’s for all around brilliance.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
my dad’s
14. Where did most of your money go?
digital camera
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
vacations.
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
“California” the OC theme.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: A. happier or sadder?
sadder.
B. thinner or fatter?
thinner. but only by 11 pounds.
C. richer or poorer?
richer, i babysat a lot last week.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
singing.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
eating. or hiding in my room.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
opening presents of course.
22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
no... but its taken me the whole year (maybe more) to fall out of love.
23. How many one-night stands?
haha, nothing that serious just yet.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Gilmore Girls.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no. i think i forgave a lot this year.
26. What was the best book you read?
Noughts&Crosses (malorie blackman is amazing!)
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
iPod Speakers?
28. What did you want and get?
iPod speakers.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
wow, thats though. maybe Mean Girls. i didnt see a lot.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 14, and had a some friends over for an awesome sleepover.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
less family drama.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
this was the year i just didnt care. and if i do say so myself, i looked amazing.
34. What kept you sane?
Sara, and peanut M&Ms.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jude Law is tré hotté!
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
abortion rights and college tuition.
37. What do you miss?
people i lost.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
myself.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
stop stressing out. marlborough girls never listen.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud” --Bon Jovi “It’s My Life”.

2005

happy new year!
so my new years eve was really fun.
went to Eliza and Sally's house. we did karaoke, played Apples2Apples (which is probably the funniest game ever invented), and a bunch of other fun stuff that kept us choking on laughter and tortilla chips.
we watched the ball drop, made resolutions (which i'm trying to decide whether to post or not), then we got into sleeping bag around 1am but us amazingly cool people in Eliza's room (me, maddie, jandra, and eliza) talked until 3:30. mainly about boys, but then about crazy friends, and standards and stuff girls talk about at 3am.
slept till about 10, had breakfast, more resolutions, Sims, and went home bout noon.
came home and was immediatly told to make my famous pesto chicken pizza because 12 people were comming over for a football game. these people included numerous boring graduate students of my dads, and THE BOLLENS (eric bollens is so weird! he tried to teach me to hack into a computer, and when i didnt get it, he yelled at me!)
so i'm cooking and watching the 24hr Monk marathon on USA.
but once the party got started i escaped up to my parents room (where i am now) watching "Runaway Bride" for the millionth time (yes, i;m a hopeless romantic) and writing all this.

i'm optimistic for 2005. or at least a little hopeful.

QUESTION:
if i had a really good realistic dream on New Years Day, will it come true?
o, i hope so.
pretty please with sugar on top.


and i've been trying to call sara all day but she hasnt picked up.