fill in the blank.

well that took long enough. i've been sitting here waiting for the browser to load.
i dont know what to have for lunch today.
i still have time to order pizza or a salad or something. but i dont really feel like moving, and i'm a little short on cash. i'll probably buy from the caf. because i have plenty of caf money. so a bag of Doritos and a Coke it is.
i got kicked out of the big lab just now because of a AP social sciences class, so i'm sitting in the little lab. someone is playing a maroon5 song. normally i woulndt care but since i have the flu, 5 hours of sleep, and a headache its driving me nuts.
maybe everything is just driving me nuts right now, or at least i have a pretty long list. i have swimming last period today. that sucks. its litterally 55degrees out and i have the flu, so this should be mounds and mounds of fun.

i'm being a really bad person because i dont update very often, and when i do, its boring and rambling and completely negative. i promise i'll try harder to be a better blogger, or at least more positive.
anyway...

we just had a big assembly for the dance program at skool. everyone in any dance class here has to preform something. the dancing was ok, but it made me want to puke because everyone was either estremely skinny and beautiful with great hair, or a giant who never seems to be as good a dancer as the skinny girls. you cant help but feel bad for the bigger girls. and you can feel their self consciencousness reeking off the stage. then you're engulfed by the awful thought that there is no middle area. just the two extremes. and then you realize that you could never be THAT skinny, so you must be the other category. and that makes you never want to eat again.
a great confidence booster, right?

so much for being more positive.

10 mins. till lunch. i'm going to sign off now. then get in line for lunch. buy. eat. mumble something to "friends" about too much homework. and escape akward conversation about all the fun stuff they did together over break and hide back up here in the lab.

yes, you dont even have to say it, i know.
i'm a loser, loner, fat ass, nerd, ________.
fill in the blank.

sunday sunday

i'm not doing a very good job on updating...
but i guess i've never been very consistent at anything, so its not unexpected.
would it sound too cliche if i said the only thing i'm consistent about is being inconsistent?
yes, yes it would.
i'm having a really crap day... not because of anything but because of everything.
its really cold for Southern CA... when i came downstairs like 2 hours ago i was wearing leggings and a big t shirt, but the minute my feet touched the floor, i was already putting on tons of clothes.
and because my dad refuses to let me turn up the termostat, (he wants us to get ready for skiing next week), i'm now wearing, leggings, sweats, a long sleeve shirt, a sweatshirt, slippers, and a bathrobe.
o. and i'm wearing a hat.
yes, sara, i'm turly wearing a hat, it looks scary but its warm and fuzzy.

anyway... putting aside my scary hat-ness...
yesterday my phone just stopped working. so we brought it to the AT&T store, and since AT&T was bought by Cingular, they wanted to charge my mom $115 just to sign up for a brandnew plan and get a crap phone. after my mom did some "bargaining" with the store guy, he almost started crying. wich was kinda funny. then we told them since they couldnt help us, we'd go to another store.
ready for a scary bit of de ja vu?
we walk out of the store,
and we look across the street and KABOOM, theres another Cingular store right there!
wait, it gets better...
then as we're walking to the crosswalk, we see ANOTHER cingular store right next to the first one!
it was insane, and really started to open my eyes to a theroy of the world being taken over by cell phone gerbils.
anyway... we go in, and my mom doesnt even have to get her "dont make me pay for something i dont want" look on, when the nice sales lady explains that she can easily switch the service over to Cingular, and give me a brand new FREE phone too.
wich was pretty cool.

ok, well... i have nothing else to really say except, i'm bored and i;m making a scarf for my cousin stephie. its grey and rainbow and really pretty and i've done half of it, and havent dropped one sticht... its great, i'm very proud.
but i didnt buy enough grey so it might have to be half rainbow half rainbow/grey....
watever...

in the compi lab...

ok, i'm sitting here with sally.
she's playing on photoshop, i'm actually online for the first time in like 3 days,wich is a loooooooooong time for me.
last night was a total car wreck. no i didnt get into an accident, but it was bad.
i had a hard day at skool, starting at 6:27 when i left the house for the bus stop, and remembered i had no money, and no lunch. i end up borrowing for a bag of chips and a sprite. then i had basketball tryouts. i do not want to be on the team this year. it was hell last year, coach c was a total b*****. but this year theres only 1 team so its gonna be like 13 of us, and i and everyone else who's not 5'10" like Talia C wont get to play much. next up on the bitching list, is the bus ride home...
the bus was 1/2 an hour late, so we didnt leave till 6, that meant that it pushed my physical therapy to 8pm and that made me not get home til 9:30, when i had to start my homework.

anyway... on a brighter note, since it was wednesday and i was exhausted my mom let me sleep till 7:30am (instead of 5:30) and then i got a ride to skool with mary.

and ON A MUCH brighter note...
now get ready this is whats keeping me alive today...
i get to go on the middle skool Drama Trip to NYC in February!!!!!!!!!!!!!
basically all my marlboro friends are going so even thou i;m in visual arts i signed up to go....
it is going to be SO MUCH FUN. and i am excited like you cannot beleive.
really truely.

o, guess what sara...
its the same weekend your going.... February 18-21!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
even tho the chance of seeing you is like zero to none, its still super cool!

well, i'm just sitting here...
it seems like a lots happened lately but it really hasnt.
my teachers seemed to be sympathetic about my grandma but it seems like i've passes standard "mourning time" or watever. wich is insane.
my grandma was the only person who ever told me i was beautiful. my dad never says it. infact, he says the exact opostie every time he tells me i'm fat and gonna be just like my mom;s family.and my mom never says anything like that because she can't handle her wheight either. my grandma was probably the only thin person in the last 4 generations of Hilperts, and was the only one to ever tell me that i dont look like scum. and all this seems weird because "looks arent everything" but because kim's already a better athlete, and laura's the brain, it doesnt leave me much does it?
well thats the reasoning behind some of the madness, but still there are all the other things going on that are, or have always bothered me.

i guess the most recent issue is about which skool i should go to.
after last year i had decided i didnt fit and crossroads would be a better choice because its a) much closer to my house, and b) i'd all ready have a definete friend there (sara).
but now, i'm not sure if i'm ready to give up on marlborough. i've been able to carve some space into the pretty rigid cliques at my school. it seems like everyone has been friends, or has paired up with someone, and now they are insepreable.
but still, i'm not really close enough to one group to be invited to every day stuff... like i'll be invited like before a big party, or dance or something, but when i wont get invited to go shopping after skool or to a movie or something. wich really sucks. it makes me feel really left out when everyone tells me about their plans. maybe they think someone else has invited me, or because i live far away from them, i wouldnt be able to go.
but the real cherry on top is that i'm busy enough with skool, sports, sleep, and keeping up with my old friends i dont see every day at skool, that i probably wouldnt have much time left to go everywhere with them.
i guess what i'm saying if by chance any marlboro gals are reading this, yea, i'm busy, but i would honestly make time to fit in at skool.

and theres a lot more i dont really want to go into now, but maybe i will tomorrow.

peace, luv, and ben&jerrys.
Sprinkles.

NOTICE

i'm feeling really cold today.
cold in all the sense of the word.
i feel cold as in i'm wearing sweatpants under my skirt, a long sleeve polo, and a fluffy sweatshirt over it.
cold as in i'm sneezing like you would not believe, and my head feels stuffy.
cold as in desolate and lonely.

i'm half way through a really interesting project, and i'm completely stuck. theres so many directions i could go, so now i'm frozen in place.
i have so many tests this week.
the scariest one, history. didn't we have one last week? when did we have time to go over the entire history of Africa? What? Did I miss it while I was sneezing?

i feel like this school isnt right for me. its a great school, and i have fun most of the time, but the other part of me relieves events like someone saying "Julie, your awesome! Your the Bes- Hey Emma! Come sit with me!"
i just dont feel like i really fit in, and i probably should since we've been here for a year and a half. and it looks like i'm here to stay, because Laura has her admissions interview tomorrow.

NOTICE
"does no one notice?
that i’ve cried all day.
that i’ve lied the the entire time.
that i’m scared out of my mind.

did you notice?
that i’m lost.
that i’m cold.
that i’m alone.

how did know one notice?
not one silent scream.
not one distant person.
not one crying eye."

a Jesus on the dashboard and a gun in the trunk

well, we all very upset about the future of our country.
I fully support KERRY.
not because of the purple hearts, or the fact that he can pronounce "nuclear", but because i believe
PASSIONATLY in a women's right to choose, and that college tuition has to become more accessible.
yes, that second reason sound dumb comming from a "privelleged, white, private schooled" girl, but my cousins back east are working their butts off so they can do what they want, without limitation, with their lives.
i have a bunch more reasons, as most of my fellow skoolies know, because we talked the entire time during science yesterday.

unfortunatly, these reasons are not supported by people in inner US, in places like Iowa and Tennesse, where everyones got
a Jesus on the dashboard, and a gun in the trunk.

moon beams 'n milky coffee

o the drama

black or white decisions

ring ring

play on

shadow puppets

a bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck.

well, i'm back. i wish i didnt have to leave right after the burial. i really wanted to stay with stephie, and all my family.
anyway, i dont really have a plan of what to say, so this post might be kinda random. theres a lot i want to say, but not enough ways to say it.

first, my 8 year old cousin sara wrote the most amazing poem about our grandma. every time i read it, it makes me cry. sara is going to rule the world one day, it'll be a dictatorship, but everyone will be at peace with everyone else.
heres the poem:
"I Will Still..." By Sara Hilpert
I will still bring up dessert at eight.
I will still give Rubie half the sandwich on your plate.
I will still practice my flips off the bed.
I will still try not to spill and take small sips instead.
I will still practice your faveorite song on the violin.
I will still come up after school and give you a grin.
I could do anything but it wouldn't change fact
I still have memories but I want you back!

Sara read her poem at the mass. Me and Stephie wrote Euluogys too. I won't post them, but we made everyone, including the organist cry.

On Sunday night, Halloween, we took the little kids trick or treating. We didnt stay out very long. then me and steph went for a walk. it was pitch black, and the leaves were all along the streets and it felt amazing just walking, her as the Queen Of Sheba, me as a fairy. we got a little more candy, but mainly we Trick or Treated for UNICEF. we got $14.17 in a half hour. it was nice for just me and stephanie getting to talk.

then we went back to the hotel. stephie slept over, so we could write the eulogys.
i had done mine that morning, but stephie still had to do hers.
we were sharing a room with my little sisters, and at 11:30pm they had to go to sleep, so me and steph sat in the bathtub with the halloween candy and wrote a little, and talked a lot.
stephanie had a laughing fit when i said the word FRANTIC.
we laughed about Steph's therory that Grandma popped out of the womb with the same hair cut she's alway's had.
and how she'd proably strike us down with lightning if we ever turned off the TV in her house. we laughed about the time grandma told us that God had told her we would be "volumptuous, just like JLo".
we remembered sitting in her great big bed watching the Brady Bunch and the Cosby Show on Nick @ Nite, and i remembered how i never could fall asleep because Grandma wouldnt sleep without Dr. Laura on the radio.
I remember the fashion show we had a long, long time ago. i must have been 8 or 9, and we all dressed up in her old clothes, even Chris dressed up.
I loved the smell of the old musty clothes.
I remember her buying me Etenmen's Ultimate Crum Cake and sitting at that white, round table with milky coffee.
Everything in Grandma's world revolved around coffee. Her life was like one big coffee bean.
She'd always have coffee for you. when it was hot, when it was cold, when you were sad, even late at night. and we'd always sit in her kitchen around that white table.

In stephie's eulogy, she said
"Grandma paid attention to life, and in return, life paid attention to her".